if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
birth control should be required to get into college
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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