Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
