remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
