Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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