I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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