ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I know her cup size but not her name....
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