I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
