i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Randomize
