You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
