I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
