her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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