im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
