I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
