I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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