Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
