Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
