I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just want to make out with him forever
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
