I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
