whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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