Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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