once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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