Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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