I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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