Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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