I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
