I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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