I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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