If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
