her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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