Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
