My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
