I puked a lego.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sorry about my life...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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