I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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