remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We need to get me chipped asap
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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