just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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