the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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