My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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