i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
50% drunk capacity currently
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
