Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
