From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
