Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
