fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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