I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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