my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
