Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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