I want to have your abortion
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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