morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Girls should come with a carfax report
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
