wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
