Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
