Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
