It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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