did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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