her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
